Good Morrow Cyberspace.
I'm a little upset. Without getting into specifics, let's just say that someone close to me may be going through a tough time right now. This person may have just found out that their significant other had been sleeping with someone else for somewhere between six months and a year. So I'm going to go ahead and write a theoretical letter to each party involved. We'll call these folks Steve and Mallory.
Steve,
The first thing I have to say is how can you do that to someone? How can you come home to your family, sit and eat dinner with them...kiss the kids good night...get into the same bed as the person you know would be devastated if they were ever to find out about your secret? It must take a form of malicious will that I just don't have.
I can understand that relationships come to an end. I can understand the want to move on. I can understand the need to break routine. What I can't understand is the decision to go ahead and sleep with someone else when you are already committed. If you're having some of the aforementioned feelings, talk about it or leave. Don't keep a false facade. This is a form of emotional battery. I hope that someday you experience a fraction of the emotional turmoil you've caused. I hope your guilt breaks your spirit. I hope you come crawling for forgiveness.
Am I mad at you? Let's put it this way...you don't want to see me. You've betrayed some of the most important people in my life...you've betrayed me. Most importantly, you've betrayed yourself. You have no integrity...you have no dignity. I'm ashamed to say I know you. You are a coward.
There's a lot more I'd like to say to you...but you are not worth the time. Don't say hello if you see me on the street. Forget that we've ever met.
Enjoy the mirror asshole.
Mallory,
There's not much I can say in this situation. There's nothing I can do to make it better. There's no justification for what's been done to you. I know that you are an emotional supernova right now. All will get better with time.
You have to know that you are wonderful. You are a great person through and through. You've always been there for me - and I know for a fact there are many others who would say the same. You have a compassion inside of you that most people don't. The idea that someone could do this to you, of all people, just shows the state of our society. 'If they're too nice, walk all over 'em.'
You also have to know that he's not worth it. Anyone who can lead you on for so long was obviously never worth it. Don't feel guilty - you never could have known how things would go. Remember the good times, forget about the bad...but don't forget the lessons you are learning right now.
I know it sounds like bullshit. It probably feels like you are being sucked into a black hole. But there are always sunbeams to lead the way out. You have children who love you...you have a family that is closer than most...and you deserve it.
You will get through this. You're one of the strongest people I know. Not only that, but you WILL come out a better person. You WILL ride this wave - but you will not wash up on shore...you will land on your feet (I'm willing to bet running) and keep on.
I Love You
Just a little piece of my mind, thanks for reading my rant!
Peace and Love
The Critical Stranger
As always, comments, thoughts and suggestions are appreciated and encouraged!
Favorite piece yet!
ReplyDeleteI understand your anger. I also know that over time it will destroy your soul. Try not to let another person's actions have that kind of power over you. None of us has lived our lives without making mistakes. Forgiveness is a "freeing" emotion. Hoping,in time, you'll get there. Peace & Love.
ReplyDeletePeople do bad things. Those bad things usually have a dominoe effect that over a period of time can leave a whole family and even a community, shocked, angry, hurt, rejected, confused etc. No matter what the experience that led the person to do this 'bad' thing (If they are adult, there usually is something deeper at play that has not resolved within them - perhaps they are someone who was taught they were responsible to forgive the bad things people do to them?) we do not have to forgive their actions. And we do not have to feel we are 'bad' for not forgiving those actions. Forgiveness is what for centuries some of us have been taught is what will free us and 'the other/s' from the fallout of bad actions. I think it is a set up in some ways, and I would even say, that perhaps this is what perpetuates these 'bad' things to some degree. I wonder if the lifelong interplay between the hurt and the inability to truly forgive, is where we actually lose our power to be free to live fully - we are forced to pretend and life is lived superficially. If we are a loving person and we were raised within institutions that teach us to BELIEVE that we 'must' forgive, we may find this 'belief' holds us in some way responsible and we will feel perpetually that we are the bad person for harbouring these feelings. We take up the 'victim' cross (this becomes self abuse) I think it is compassion that is more important. That must begin with oneself. We dont need to judge the person, we can accept that hurtful person as another human being who has the potential to do good and bad (whether or not we choose to let that person go from our life) that we, too have the potential to screw up.Compassion will help us to understand what happened, but does not carry the burden of 'waiting for forgiveness'. I think it is wise to give yourself the gift of time to let it register and whether or not you accept the behaviour, I believe it can be healthy to either try to resolve the situation compassionately or accept the changed reality - either way try to do this with compassion. When something precious to us seems destroyed in one fell swoop, it takes time to resolve the pain that you carry for yourself and for others. It is a natural reaction to experience every possible emotion to various degrees...and good for you for getting some of this out in a way it does not fester in you. But caution is always good when it comes to hurting back (that can also have a dominoe effect). Again, it is natural to be angry and the need to express it is also natural. The negative emotions should lessen as everyone gets stronger from what they have had to survive and let go of the need to control the outcome. Eventually you can wish the 'hurter' well, without forgiving what they have done. I am not suggesting that forgiveness will never come. If they remain in your life, or the life of your other loved ones, you may consider HOW you will be in that relationship. You may want to for the sake of everyone involved come together and allow one another to speak and to heal to whatever degree possible. There are many ways to do this. Perhaps you might gradually rebuild the trust - that may or may not include forgiving that person. I think that person, or the situation can only have power over you, if you do not forgive yourself for feeling what you feel. Continue to love yourself and help others to do so; over time forgiveness may, like grace, come to all who truly know the potential in all of us to change and to live the greatness we were born to live. Take Peace!
DeleteWow...seems as though some people who are reading my stuff should be writing their own blogs...very well done by both of you. I think we've all heard the saying 'to forgive is divine'...and it may be. I don't know if forgiveness is really the issue here, it's more about trust. All healthy and lasting relationships are built on trust. Trust, for me, is something that has to be built from the ground up. A minor fib can be forgiven, as the foundation of trust may only be cracked as opposed to completely broken, as in this case. How the building stay standing if the foundation has disintegrated?
ReplyDeleteExcellent conversation, I really appreciate your thoughts!!